2020

(Originally published on Oct 25, 2020)

July 18, 2020 I wrote:

Hi there. Thanks for clicking the link to read this post. You probably will wish you hadn’t if you are looking for something cheerful to read. It’s 11 am, currently I’m in my living room after just picking up my wedding dress, and drinking a large glass of Maker’s. I honestly don’t even know if I will post this, but I find writing to be therapeutic and cathartic.

2018 was quite possibly the happiest I had ever been in my life. I was killing it at my job, I had taken the year off from dating to focus solely on my happiness and health, did some solo traveling, was in the best shape of my life, and my anxiety and depression were almost non-existent thanks to my new lifestyle changes. Life was pretty damn good so I was ready to put myself back out there to start dating again in 2019.

Once I put myself back out there in the dating world, I was shocked at the number of really handsome dudes who wanted to go out with me. It’s funny and sad what a ton of weight loss will do for your love life. I had a few couple months of fun with some gorgeous douchebags, I say douchebags because while yes they were beautiful, they were still assholes. Skinny bitches aren’t immune to assholes either, I learned.

Then I met “D”. In the beginning he was fun, he was kind, super funny, very romantic, and showered me with gifts and fancy dates. Bonus he was much taller than myself. Things progressed quickly and by August we were engaged. By the time I moved in with him in December 2019, things had started to change dramatically. The person I fell in love with was nowhere in sight. Turns out someone with narcissistic personality disorder can’t maintain the fake and manipulative personality used to make their partner fall in love with them. Essentially, he turned into a monster. A Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde, so to speak — therefore I never knew what his mood would be from one hour to the next. Narcissists love to criticize literally everything their partner does as a way of causing them to become frustrated and wear them down mentally — taking their self esteem, causing them to lose trust in themself. And because narcs have a huge ego, they will never be told they are wrong. Once I cooked dinner for us after I had a very long and tiring day, he then criticized me for “bending his fork”. The fork I had given him had a slight bend in it, so I took it and bent it back, but it wasn’t good enough. I was not being careful with his silverware therefore I was wrong. Little instances like this happened almost daily. Not to mention, he had a terrible temper. He would constantly gaslight me and would talk over me. Never taking any responsibility for any wrongdoing on his end. I found myself walking on eggshells around him, doing the majority of tasks around the house, starving for affection and intimacy, financially frustrated with him not spending responsibly, and being disrespected and lied to. All of this was taking place as I was starting my new job in January of 2020. Then in the same month, the basement of D’s house had flooded with all of my belongings down there. My anxiety was through the roof. I was handling it all — the homeowner’s insurance, the contractors, the new job, the wedding planning, the toxic relationship. All by myself. And after I noticed I had a hard time with my thoughts. Like my mind was constantly in a fog. I had a hard time putting together a complete sentence. My brain felt slow and I became embarrassed when trying to talk to people. My memory was also becoming worse. I couldn’t remember hardly anything I learned, like I had a hard time retaining information.

I slowly became someone who I nor my family/friends didn’t recognize. I stopped laughing after being criticized by him for laughing. I used to get excited when planning our wedding, but after I was made to feel stupid for being giddy about anything I stopped feeling happy about the wedding altogether. My anger and temper started to control my emotions when I begged for help on one important matter or another — I later learned this is reactive abuse. It happens when a victim lashes out towards the abuser because of the abuse they are experiencing. It occurs when abusers shift blame from themselves onto the victim. The abuser may even tell you that you are over-reacting or being dramatic. My time, my feelings, my hurt, my anger, and my needs no longer mattered to the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, everything just fell on deaf ears. The best analogy I can give for a relationship with a narcissist is like putting a frog into a pan of water, then slowly turning up the heat. By the time the frog realizes it’s sitting in boiling water, it’s too late.

In the beginning of March, I was struggling to stay afloat mentally. The issues I dealt with at home started to spill over into my new job. I couldn’t focus, couldn’t get my anxiety to go away. And I felt so alone. I would be the first person in the office and often the last person to leave because I just didn’t want to go home. There was little to no joy in my life anymore. I went to bed every night alone and woke up alone every morning. This was no way to live. It was at this point I joined a ton of support groups online for people living with or healing from being in a relationship with a narcissist. I constantly read others’ experiences from those just starting in a new relationship to those who had been married to one forever. I needed to see what I was in for. One consistent thing I noticed was the effects on the victim’s health. People talked about suffering from PTSD to depression/anxiety to the brain fog to other random physiological ailments, something they didn’t have prior to being with their narcissist. For me, it was anxiety, depression, gray hairs, brain fog, skin breakouts, and thyroid problems. And people who had left the relationship with their narcissist saw their health problems dissipate or some just go away entirely. I thought to myself at one point, D and I hadn’t been together 2 years, what else would happen to me long term?

By the end of March, COVID had forced everyone to start working from home. Things with D and I went as well as one might expect in this situation. After two weeks of working from home together, an incident occurred with D which forced me to realize things would only escalate further and it would never go back to the way it was in the beginning. I called off the wedding and two weeks later I moved out. I moved back into my condo and began working from home. Two weeks later, I lost my job. I filed for unemployment on May 1 and still have not received anything. (update on Oct 18, still nothing)

I wake up every morning wishing I could go back to sleep because my dreams are so much better than this reality. I’m scared of getting sick with COVID, so I’ve been staying as isolated as I can, but all I really want to do is be with friends and family because I’m struggling with being alone all the time. The uncertainty of COVID and the effects it will have long term have me scared on where I will end up in regards to my career. There isn’t a book on how to do a career change in the middle of a pandemic, though I really wish there was. Some days I won’t say a word except to my dog because there’s nobody to talk to. My friends have their own lives with kids or are strictly isolating, or are also struggling mentally with the new norm, so having some social interaction is almost non-existent. Grief is something I’ve struggled with but eventually get over under normal circumstances. Grieving the loss of the life I thought I was going to have with D after getting married “happily ever after”, the relationship and the loss of D, the wedding day I was so excited about, my new job and the loss of it, the happiness I used to feel from within myself, loss of my gym, and life pre-pandemic have taken their toll on my mental health. It feels like it’s just too much most days, especially first thing in the morning. It’s like “ugh, gotta do this day all over again. What’s the point?” I’ve lost almost all sense of purpose. If it wasn’t for my dog, I wouldn’t have a reason to get out of bed everyday. But usually once I get up, have my moment of sadness, I get my coffee going, and then take him outside — forcing me to get some sunlight. Once that happens, I usually start to feel a little better.

Oct 18, 2020 I wrote:

After reading, and editing some of what you just read, I had to take some deep breaths. God I was in such a bad place mentally. I’m pretty sure that day ended with me finishing off that big pour of bourbon. There was no end in sight it seemed like. I know there were some days when my mind went to some really dark places. At one point, I started thinking who would take the best care of my dog in case I got to the point of feeling suicidal. Realizing I couldn’t let that happen, I started watching a bunch of videos from mental health specialists on helping to change my mindset as a starting point for healing, because a narcissist will tear down even the strongest of person mentally and it leaves one feeling dead inside sadly. I was lost, no sense of purpose. Having a romantic partner and a job shouldn’t define a person, but losing two fairly large pieces of my identity shattered my self esteem. So I watched a lot, and I do mean a lot of these videos. One thing which helped me recalibrate my mindset was to have Post-It notes on my mirror. I look at myself in the mirror every morning and say “I am strong and powerful. I love myself. I am amazing exactly as I am. I am enough and worthy.” Not gonna lie, I thought it was dumb at first, but I tried it. The first few times I did it, I cried. I cried because I realized how much I didn’t believe in what I was telling myself. I kept doing it. I would look myself in the mirror, point my finger at myself and say it. It took some time before I got to where I started believing in what I was saying. Now it just feels good to say. Another thing that helped was dancing. I can’t go to the gym because of covid and really miss it, so I just put in my earbuds and dance around my apartment until it feels good. Then after 5 months of searching, I finally got myself a job. I became gainfully employed by a company that is just awesome. Feels like a dream really. Literally every employee I’ve met at this company has been super awesome and has reiterated to me how lucky we are to work for such a great company. And the job is doing what I love — interior design and helping people. I’m about three weeks post training and it’s going really well.

Now it’s the week of the wedding day — October 25, 2020. Fall is my favorite time of the year and October is my favorite month because the weather is perfect and it’s gorgeous outside so it was easy deciding when to get married. The venue we picked was an amazing outdoor space over-looking a lake with rolling hills and fall colored trees. I can still picture it in my head. It would have been gorgeous. I checked the weather — sunny and 70 degrees that day. No rain in sight. The band was booked. I got the photographer I wanted — I can visualize the beauty of the photos he would have taken. The smiles captured. Memories to cherish in the years to come.

The new job has been keeping me busy and so I haven’t had much time to think about it, then it really hit me the weekend before. Dak and I were out walking and we passed by a hotel, and inside was a bride in her dress with her bouquet and her bridesmaids. Upon seeing them, I just started to sob. And I’ve been sobbing every day this week. My feelings are being felt, not pushed away. I just get sad when thinking about how I won’t get to wear the beautiful dress I bought now sitting in my closet and get to see my mom and dad’s reaction when they see me in it. I get teary thinking about my dad not getting to walk me down the aisle, or having our dance. My heart hurts thinking about those precious moments I would have had with my family and close friends. It’s something I’ve thought about since I was a little girl. It feels weird to grieve a day that won’t come — and grieve something that isn’t tangible.

At this point, I don’t think I will ever get married. I’m pretty unlucky when it comes to finding a great partner, plus the happiest I’ve ever been was when I was single. So for now, I’m working on getting back to being the person I was before I met D — happy and content as hell with life. On October 25, 2020, I still plan on celebrating love. Just a different kind of love than what was originally supposed to be celebrated on this day. It will be the love I found for myself again, the love of those who have supported me during this really shitty time, and the love God has for me. Probably still cry a lot though and feel all the feels. But remember I am strong and powerful. I love myself. I am amazing exactly as I am. I am enough and worthy.